


Feeling Sick of Myself (Think I'll Try to be Someone Else)

by Sad and -not- Sexy (TheAssMaster6969eatmy420sksksk)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Acceptence, Angst, Boys in Skirts, Crossdressing, Found Family, Gen, Gender Exploration, Gender disphoria, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Character, Kind of Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Kurapika in a dress, Kurapika is a mom, M/M, Non-Sexual Crossdressing, Other, gender dicovery, gender euphoria, genderfluid kurapika, he/they kurapika, if you squint really hard and stand on you head theres killugon, kind of, leorio is gay panicking, murdered family, my baby never got to discover his gender during puberty cus ya know, projecting onto fictional characters, so that shits happening NOW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28767156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAssMaster6969eatmy420sksksk/pseuds/Sad%20and%20-not-%20Sexy
Summary: The first time it happens, Melody forgets her mascara and lip gloss at their temporary hotel. When he called for her to return and retrieve it, she said she could just get new ones, and she was already on her train. So he might as well just throw them away.He didn’t throw them away.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, slight Kurapika/Leorio Palidiknight
Comments: 17
Kudos: 52





	Feeling Sick of Myself (Think I'll Try to be Someone Else)

**Author's Note:**

> (This is a comfort fic based on how I present my gender, specified for me, so if it isn’t super relatable or anything, just read something else.)  
> (Update, I’m so glad you guys like this story! I have no clue what I’d put, but if you want a chapter two, maybe I can force my feeble brain to come up with something. Suggestions would be nice.)

The Kuruta clan always had slightly different gender norms. It was pretty common for men to wear long skirts and robes. In fact, Kurapika had worn his own for a while. It wasn’t seen as a really feminine thing. He also had his mother’s slightly more feminine skirt from when she had been alive. It doesn’t fit because his hips are too big, and his legs too short, but sometimes he just looks at it and thinks. Remembers what he can of her. 

But that’s a topic for later. Right now, Kurapika wants to focus on other things. Or more specifically, focus on ignoring said other things. He’s always been the king of denial, and arguably ignoring issues. And his basic necessities. 

Anyway, that isn’t the point. The point is that Kurapika is trying very hard to focus on ignoring a certain thought, but it was quite difficult. A certain urge.

But fuck it, nobody is here, if he just does it, he’ll realize how stupid and unimportant it is! Then he can forget it ever existed!

It all started when Melody forgot some mascara and lipgloss at their hotel. By the time he’d called her, she was already too far out, and just told him to throw them away, she’d get new ones. They were almost empty anyway.

At first, he just forgot. But after the second day, he was deliberately keeping them around. Putting them in his bag to take with him when he left the hotel was a strange decision for someone intending to rid themselves of the items to make.

And here he was, almost a week later, in his apartment in Yorknew, staring at himself frustratedly in the mirror, each item gripped tightly in an individual hand. Wrestling with his stupid inner self.

But the decision had been made. Get it over with, come to his senses. So, with a shaky hand, Kurapika screwed off the top of the mascara. He looked at it. He leaned into the mirror, lifted it to his eye, and…

-immediately ripped it away, screwing the top back on with lightning speed. Nope! No, no,  _ no _ . No. Maybe he should just-

Kurapika soon found himself back in the bathroom, but now with his laptop open to youtube. If he’s gonna feel like an idiot, he’s gonna do it correctly at least.

The video was about 20 minutes of intro and 5 minutes of content, so he skipped all of the beginning. Okay. Seems easy enough.

The video recommended a sort of shield for beginners. So, Kurapika folded a piece of scrap paper, and used that to keep from getting anything on his eyelid. But then he realized he needs the mascara open first, because he can't unscrew the top with just one hand, so he puts the paper down again. After remedying that step, he brings the paper and mascara wand up to his right eye. His hands are shaky, and having something so close to his eye is a little nerve wracking, but he just concentrates on putting it on.

He knew his eyelashes were long, but even so close to the mirror, the black makeup shows just how long they really are. Blond hairs don't really show up, so he's never seen them quite like this before…

It may be rushed, but he quickly gets through with the second eye. Luckily, he hadn’t stabbed himself in the eye with the end of the wand. He’s heard that happens a lot at first. When Kurapika steps back from the mirror and gets a full look at himself-

He turns bright red. He looks  _ girly _ . Kurapika has always been effeminate, but this one simple change seemed so extreme. His eyes look wide and doll-like. He hates to say the word, because it makes him feel weird, but he looks  _ pretty _ .

But he isn’t  _ pretty _ . He’s a machine of revenge, power and skill in a singular form. He isn’t supposed to be  _ pretty _ . 

Even so, he pushes on, and quickly puts on the tinted lip gloss. His face is burning scarlet, nearly on the level of his eyes. The lip gloss is far more subtle, so subtle it’s ridiculous how much it does. Now he looks even girlier. More doll-like.

It takes less than a minute for Kurapika to freak out and violently wipe and wash off the makeup out of embarrassment. It takes less than five more for him to immediately put it back on.

His breathing is slightly ragged, but he isn’t sure why. Hell, he isn’t sure why he put it back on. He can barely notice it, but his eyelashes feel slightly odd. His lips feel kinda heavy in a way, not exactly weighty, but… different. His eyes are a little puffy from scrubbing at them, and have a bit of black rimming them. It was hard to get the mascara off. Makeup remover probably would have been better, but he doesn’t have any, he’s never owned makeup before.

Though it almost looks like he’s wearing blush with how bad he’s flushing right now. Yet he can’t look away. He just keeps staring at himself.

Kurapika leaned closer to the mirror, inspecting his work. He shouldn’t be so embarrassed by this, he’s normally so composed. The blond scrunches up his nose in confusion. He was embarrassed, sure, but it doesn’t look bad… It looks good. He hates to admit it, but it kinda feels good… But sense wise, like the product itself, but the image of himself wearing it. The way he looks feels good. 

Slowly, hesitantly, Kurapika backs away from the mirror. Away from the sink and rags. He keeps his eye on his reflection, as if it may lunge and attack him. But of course it doesn’t. The Kuruta slowly leaves the room, feeling… strange.

So that wasn’t all that bad.

  
  


>==========================<

  
  


Kurapika actually ended up wearing the makeup the rest of the day. He didn’t dare go anywhere, but he didn’t have any plans or anything. Just made lunch, watched a bit of TV before abandoning it for his books. He read until dinner, taking the makeup off after.

It wasn’t mind blowing. It wasn’t soul awakening. But it was… nice, in a way. Really nice, actually. He bordered on not being able to tell if he was a girl or a boy at first when he examined himself in the mirror, and that shouldn’t have felt as exciting as it did. Maybe just a fluke.

Better try the next day, just to make sure.

  
  


>==========================<

  
  


The next day, Kurapika felt embarrassed to say he was almost  _ excited _ to do it again. And no, not a fluke. He’s beginning to even admit to himself that he genuinely likes it!

As Kurapika stood at his kitchen counter, eating cereal, his eyes slid to the door. He had used the last of the milk on his breakfast. He needs more. I mean, none of his friends  _ live _ in Yorknew… And what’s gonna happen? He’ll get  _ beat up _ for wearing a bit of makeup? Unlikely of Yorknew’s exuberant and exotic citizens, so strange themselves, but even if anyone did try something, he’d kick their ass. And he can get makeup remover!   
  


...not that he intended for the whole makeup-thing to be a routine anytime soon.

Maybe it was a spur of the moment decision fueled with confusing giddiness, but Kurapika donned some black jeans and a white long sleeve. Most of his non-Kuruta clothing was extremely simple.

The blond made sure he had his wallet before exiting his apartment. It wasn’t that long ago he got one in Yorknew. Most of his clientele is here, so it only made sense to move in somewhere somewhat permanent. He had plenty of money, but the apartment was simple and small, all he needed. The boy wasn’t even there most of the time, he was out working, so really it was just a place to come back to. To keep stuff.

He’s currently on break though. After his mission with Melody, he was taking a bit of a vacation. Leorio threatened to come and kidnap him if he didn’t, and while the Kuruta is confident in his skills, the doctor is a force to be reckoned with when concerned. Add to that the possibility of getting the boys to help, and Kurapika stands no chance. Gon’s puppy eyes and Killua’s odd charm were hard to resist, feeling a sort of parental love towards the boys, despite not even being that much older.

Anyways, back to the present, Kurapika found it hard to concentrate on anything other than the people around him. Every turn of the head left him minutely tensing, waiting for somebody to say something. Irritation, of course, it is merely some makeup, but he couldn't help it.

Pull yourself _ together! If you can kill a member of the Phantom troupe all alone, you can get over a little makeup… _

Kurapika stood up straighter, squared his shoulders, and walked with his usual grace. Now wasn’t the time to freak out over something so simple. If anything, the confidence with which he walks probably draws the most attention.

It isn’t long till he arrives at the store. It’s a quick trip, milk and bread, and then just for his own sake, a bag of chocolate kisses. The blond turns to head towards the cashier, but then remembers-

Ah! The makeup remover!

Kurapika walks to the cosmetics aisle, and grabs the makeup remover. He lingers for a moment. He’ll probably hate himself when he gets home, but he grabs a compact of peachy blush, a red lipstick, and eyeliner. Whatever. It’s nothing, he doesn’t have to use it. Maybe he’ll just… Give it to Melody next time they meet. As a gift.

He keeps his head down as he checks out, the cashier, a girl with a green pixie-cut. She bags his items and gives him his receipt. Right as he’s about to leave though, looking up to grab his bags, she grabs his attention.

“Woah! Your eyelashes are so long! What mascara do you use? They look fake, they’re so pretty!”

His face is scarlet, and if he hadn’t put his contacts in this morning, maybe his eyes were tinged the same. His embarrassment was startling. Kurapika wasn’t used to being shy. But the way being complimented on his silly whim felt…

“U-uhm, I don’t really know… I- uh, it belongs to a friend of mine.” He wasn’t quite sure how to answer, and felt kind of bad about not knowing. “They’ve kinda always been long though, so it might not even be the mascara… uh, sorry,” Oh god, this is horrible why did he do this-

“Oh, don’t worry!” she beamed, “You look amazing though! Rock it gir- uh, b- hmm… uhm, if you don’t mind me asking, what are your pronouns?”

Huh? Kurapika tilted his head, earring making a soft jingle that likely only he could hear. “Pronouns? Uhm,” you’re a boy- “I’m not quite sure, really, but I guess I’m a male…?” stupid! That wasn’t the answer! Boy, full stop! No need to be so uncertain!

She just giggled. “No problem! Anyway, good luck figuring them out, if you decide to. And rock on, friend!”

And he left the store feeling better than he did when he went in.

>==========================<

But that wasn’t the end.

It was stupidly simple, but Kurapika is remembering past thoughts. Now that he is no longer as nervous as before, he actually looks around as he walks home.

He’d never thought about it before, but such thoughts are resurfacing. That dress in the boutique window that always caught his eyes. His affinity for skirts when part of his clan, even once past the age most boys traded them for leggings under a split cloth or just pants. The urges he ignored out of practicality.

But surely, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, he doesn't think of himself as a girl. So yeah. It’s nothing. He’s just your ordinary man, who maybe has discovered a recent affinity for makeup. And maybe felt really amazing being complimented on it…

And maybe couldn’t stop thinking about what it’d be like to go a little further.

It’s been a few days. He hasn’t used his new makeup yet but today he does, finally admitting he didn’t at all intend to give it away. He hasn't done this before (obviously) but he remembers watching his mother put makeup on in the morning. The blush comes with a little powder puff, and he carefully applies a little on his cheeks and on the tip of his nose. The eyeliner takes him a couple of tries, a good 45 minutes. He’s about ready to give up, but he presses on and gets it pretty decent. Then mascara, that’s familiar, easy now, no longer using the shield and actually applying it well. Lastly…

Well, he doesn’t think he’s quite ready for that red lipstick he bought.

Instead, he uses a tiny bit on the center of his lips, then uses his finger to blend it out. Then, he puts the lip gloss on top, and steps back.

It’s only the amount of time his eyeline took that stopped him from shoving his face into his hands.

Turns out the blush was unnecessary because he was red enough on his own. But he just gives it a minute, like he always has to at first. The flush goes down and he feels less tense. In the end, he always feels… better afterward. Correct. Finished maybe? Finished was an okay descriptor.

In fact, recently he’s felt more confident.

Kurapika grabs a side bag to put his wallet, phone, and keys in. His outfit today doesn’t have pockets. A navy sweater that goes over his hands, a gift from Leorio. It was a bit too big but he kind of likes it. He’s just wearing some white leggings and his usual black flats with it.

He has some errands to do today. Groceries and picking up some job related mail from his city mailbox. The apartments have their own, but he’d rather not give anyone his direct address so easily, besides his friends.

The mail is easy enough, quick and simple. He only gets one weird look, a man who’d seen him come in multiple times before, far more masculine then. But frankly, he can kindly go fuck himself.

Next up was the grocery store. Eggs, cereal, orange juice, shampoo, and the medical isle for new bandages, just in case.

He checks out easily, and just as he’s leaving-

“Ah! That’s them!”

Kurapika turns, ready for confrontation, only to come face to face with the green haired girl. Next to her is a…

...boy? Uhm, maybe?

The person’s hair is in a mullet style and curly, the color of raspberries. Their skin is smooth caramel, their nails long and sharp. They’ve got a purple pleated skirt with a black hoodie over it, and combat boots. Their jawline sharp and masculine, but eyes delicate and femminine.

“Hello again,” he says, response a lot smoother than the first time they met. He offered a hand. The green haired girl grabbed it first, shaking quickly and with excitable energy.

“Hello! I forgot to get your name last time! Mine is Casida, and this is my friend, Ash!” Casida gave him a dazzling smile, and he returned with his own small one. He then shook Ash’s hand.

Kurapika cleared his throat, “uhm, I don’t mean to be rude, but what should I call you?...” oh go he really hopes that wasn’t rude.

Ash smirks, but not unkindly. Kind of like Killua smirks, like it’s just the natural way he smiles. “I go by they/them, but slang like bro and dude is fine. What about you?”

Kurapika tenses again, but just kinda gives a shrug. “H-he/him, I guess…”

“You guess?”

Casida jumps in, “I’m pretty sure he’s questioning! But yeah, this is the person I was talking about!” she suddenly turns to him, “Hey, I just got off work! Wanna hang out with us? We’re going shopping- oof!”

Ash elbowed her in the ribs. “Stupid! He doesn’t even know you! You could've made him totally uncomfortable!” Kurapika couldn’t help giggling a little. They reminded him of a certain pair of boys he often took care of…

“It is fine, Casida didn’t make me uncomfortable at all! That actually sounds quite nice. I don’t really have any friends who live here, so…” He feels so awkward like this. Most of his social interaction is work, not friendly interactions. He’s never had to really make friends before. Gon, Killua and Leorio made  _ him _ **their** friend, he didn’t have to do much. And none of them are very normal, so his strange reclusive nature wasn’t much of a deterrent when they met.

Whatever. It's no pressure. He doesn’t know these people, they don’t know him, or any of his friends. It doesn’t matter what they think. He’s just gonna be him, and if they don’t like that, they can leave.

Ash gave another smirk, looking at Casida. “Fine. Guess you get off the hook this time, Cassy, but seriously, think before ya shout, m'kay?” Casida was unfazed by the light scolding, just giving back her own smirk and blowing a mocking kiss Ash’s way.

Kurapika gave a small smile, the acts of friendship once again reminding him of Gon and Killua. Casida turns to the blond, “So, where to first?” 

And that’s when Kurapika’s mind blanks. He looks at her apologetically, “Uh, actually, I’m not really sure… I’ve never really hung out with friends before. The small group I have, they're usually traveling, and when we do meet up the most we do is get food, do work, or spar,”

Ash tilted their head in interest, and Casida practically sparkled, asking “Spar!? Wow! That sounds super cool! Do you do, like, karate or something?” 

The Kuruta shrugged, “‘Or something’ is about right. I’m a bodyguard, and proficient in multiple fighting styles and weapons,” he normally wouldn’t have given such information so easily, but her interest was endearing.

As Casida gushed and ranted about how cool and fun it sounded, Ash raised an eyebrow and gave a nod of approval. They even looked impressed. Kurapika found himself getting a little warm, not used to the casual positive attention. Maybe normal friends aren’t so bad.

Ash spoke up finally, “Well, since you don’t know what you want to do, I’ll choose. I need some new shoes, and there were some nice cargo pants I saw the other day, so let’s go shopping. You okay with that, pretty boy?”

It was weird, but something inside him absolutely beamed at the nickname. It wasn’t because it was Ash saying it, Ash was pretty cool but Kurapika already had somebody he liked. But that nickname… pretty boy… something about it made him feel right. The blond decided he liked that word. Pretty.

Hell yeah. He’s pretty as fuck.

Kurapika nods, confirming that sounds good to him, though asking to stop by his apartment first to drop off groceries. Ash smirks as Casida starts talking excitedly about something she learned from her dad, but Kurapika is more focused on his thoughts.

Today couldn’t get better.

>==========================<

Ash and Casida brought him to the shopping center. It seems that the mall is Ash’s zone. It was like they flipped a switch, dragging Kurapika and Casida around like they owned the place, surety in every step.

The first clothing store they go into is a boutique called Jackal Junction, filled with alternative styles but clashing with elegant styles as well. Ash sits Kurapika and Casida down at the seating area outside the dressing rooms, but doesn’t sit down with them. They turn to Kurapika.

“Okay, today, it’s about you,” Kurapika’s eyes widened a bit, surprised by the change of pace. About him? Ash continued, “First, we’re gonna try some clothes on. I want you to at least try the items I give you. If you can’t bring yourself to leave the dressing room, that's okay too. While doing that, I want to know; is it okay if we try some different pronouns on you?”

This was entirely new territory. Kurapika had never done anything like this, or even really thought about it. He nods though, willing to give it a try. Ash smiles.

“Great! Now, you and Cassy just chill for a minute while I get the first round,” first ROUND?! “And when I get back, we’ll have some fun trying stuff on! I’ll get shoes and stuff too, those flats aren’t gonna cut it. I’d like some cute socks for you to try with them, but I don’t have any,” Fashion was clearly their area of expertise.

Casida perked up, “Oh! I have my tights from ballet, if that would work,” she asks. Her green hair seems to move with her, energy uncontainable.

Ash smiles and nods. “That would be perfect! Thanks, Cassy,” and then sets off into the store.

It’s only six minutes or so before Ash is back with an arm covered in hangers and two boxes. “Okay! Up ya get, into the dressing room, blondie. I’ll hand items to you over the door to make sure you put the right things together,” Kurapika was grateful for that. He’s never really tested himself for ‘fashion skills’ so he can’t be sure he’d know what to do.

When he looked, Kurapika felt shock at the amount they had. And this was apparently the first _ round _ . “Uh, that seems like a lot…” Ash just shook their head, smirking.

“Don’t worry, there’s bound to be some things you won’t like, so it’ll easily dwindle. After that, I’ll have an idea of what you like, and the next round won’t have nearly as much,” the reasoning is pretty sound, so Kurapika nods, taking the boxes off Ash’s hands. Casida puts her rolled up tights on top of the boxes. Kurapika shuts the dressing room door, nerves finally getting to him. But he isn't backing out. Ash put a lot of work into picking things out for him, and what's a little work to figure things out? He’s starting to think he might not be as societally normal as he thought…

The first two items Ash tosses over the door immediately ruin the confidence he just mustered up.

The first item is a mid-thigh length skirt, made of a subtly fuzzy material. The top is a black sweater with a rose on the front, a different language underneath it. More familiar, closer to his regular clothes. The skirt? Not so much.

There’s also a pair of white leg warmers, thick and seemingly oversized. Ash talks to him through the door, “Put the leg warmers on over the tights, make them kind of scrunched up at the bottom. And wear the black shoes!”

Kurapika is pink in the face, but does so anyway. Tights first, and it's unfamiliar. He’s never worn tights before. Then he puts on the hoodie, careful of his makeup. Avoiding the skirt, but inevitably putting it on. He doesn’t dare look in the mirror yet, he definitely isn't ready for that. Next he puts on the leg warmers, then the black shoes, a pair of mary janes. The leg warmers go over the top of them a bit.

Kurapika faces the door, getting his breathing under control. He can do this. He can do this! This is nothing! So, he turns around, the skirt flowing with his movement, feeling so foreign. His Kuruta skirts are all the way to his ankles, and stiffer. Thick and heavy, meant for some protection in combat.

It’s even stranger looking in the mirror. Not bad, but definitely strange. He looks-- as disgusted as he is to describe himself in such a way-- cute. It’s weird, so very weird, but something inside him shifts. It’s insane, really. Like he’s been living in someone else’s body this whole time, but now he’s back in his own. It makes him inexplicably happy as he turns a bit, watching the skirt move with him. He starts to grin, giving what is almost a spin, watching the skirt the whole time. It’s mesmerizing, the way it moves. And with the makeup… He nearly looks like a girl. But slightly off. His form is more masculine, adams apple and toned body. Sharper jawline.

Hesitantly, almost expecting disgust, Kurapika opens the door, self consciously hiding behind it a little. But then he just goes for it, walking out to full view for Ash and Cassidy.

Cassidy immediately claps her hands a little in clear excitement, eyes shining. Ash grins at him, a proud look on their face. “I knew that would look great!” Kurapika flushes a bit more, looking to the side and avoiding eye contact. One hand clenched in the skirt, he smiled a little, tiny, almost not there.

“Doesn’t  she look great, Cassida?”

Kurapika’s head shot up at incredible speeds, face hot and eyes wide.  _ She _ … It wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t right either. Oh god, this is new. She, she,  _ she _ … honestly, he didn’t mind it. It even felt kind of nice. But it wasn’t quite right…

Ash suddenly calls his attention, “Was that okay? She?” Kurapika smiles a bit, still kind of embarrassed with his attire.

“It felt… almost there? I don’t know. Not wrong, but not 100% right,” Kurapika finished, explaining as close as he could get. Ash just grinned.

“Well, what do you like about it, and what don’t you like?”

Kurapika took a minute to think, but it came to him fairly quickly. “Well…” his face turned even redder, if possible, “I… I don’t feel like a she, like a girl. Well, maybe a little bit? Not entirely though... but… the words it's associated with feel right?”

Ash tilts their head. “The words it’s associated with? So like, masculine or gender neutral pronouns with femminine descriptors, maybe? Here, let’s try this; they look really pretty in that, don’t they, Cas? He looks gorgeous!” Cassida giggles, nodding.

And that was _ perfect _ .

It was entirely unlike him, but Kurapika  _ giggles _ . He feels  _ giddy _ . Like himself, in a way he’s never felt like himself before.

“That… I like that a lot! Both, the He and They pronouns, with the feminine descriptors. But… which do I pick?” Kurapika tilted his head, red earring giving a comforting jingle. This is progress! And It’s only the first outfit!

Ash laughs, “You don’t have to, silly! He/They is a thing. A lot of people have more than one set of pronouns. Hell, you can even be a He/She/They, that’s a thing too! You might be some form of genderfluid.” Kurapika finds himself smiling. The mix of masc and neutral pronouns with fem words and clothing is… it’s something, and he thinks it's a good something. He might even say the clothes make him happy. They make him feel shy and confident at the same time. Kind of like the makeup at first! Maybe exactly like the makeup! Maybe he just needs to get used to wearing them!

“Yeah! That's it. Thank you, Ash. I- I feel okay with He, and okay with They, I don’t think I have much of a preference, so either is okay. I can figure that out later though. For now… I think I’m gonna get these! Let me grab my clothes-” Ash interrupts him though.

“Nope! We aren’t done yet, remember? We have more clothing! And who knows, maybe you’ll find something you like even better. When you change, give this set to me and I’ll hold onto it as a win,” they finished, smirking. 

Kurapika nods, still shy but feeling much better about all this. He goes back into the dressing room, putting the clothes back on the hangers to hand them over the top of the door. He keeps the leg warmers and shoes in the room with him, and keeps the tights on. The next item handed over the door is a miss, a tank top and some ripped jeans. The item after that is singular, and bigger…

And oh gosh, Kurapika looks like a tomato, his face is so red. But a grin breaks out over his face, and shy but eager, he puts it on. Ash says to pair it with the mary janes again.

This time, there’s no hesitation when Kurapika spins in the mirror, and sways back and forth just to see it move. A blue baby-doll style ruffle dress. 

Kurapika just stands there, and whispers, so softly, no one but him could possibly hear, “...they,” his smile grows a little, “they, he,” he says with more confidence. And one last time…

“They’re pretty,”

A sudden knock on the door startles Kurapika. “You alive in there?” It's Cassida. Kurapika gives an apologetic confirmation, saying he’ll be out in a second. And he is. Because he likes this even more than the skirt and sweater combo.

“Ooo! That looks so good on you, Kurapika!” says Cassida excitedly. Ash looks smug as hell, but Kurapika can’t bring himself to be put off by it in the slightest. Ash gets to be smug right now.

“And that's the power of gender euphoria, my friend,” they say. Ash’s smug smile turns a little softer at the sparkle in Kurapika’s eyes as he gives them a full turn, glad to see the blond so happy with themselves. Kurapika was so quiet and polite at first, and nervous too. Now he’s having fun.

Ash hands Kurapika a folded piece of clothing, “Try this one next, with the other shoes. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

And he does.

Kurapika takes the blue dress off, discovering the new outfit is another dress. A satin scarlet dress with a cowl neckline and spaghetti straps. He also notices slight slits on both sides of the dress, to show a bit of thigh. He opens the other shoe box. A pair of- Kurapika mentally stutters when he sees them-- red pointed-toe heels in a similar color. He puts both on, and it’s amazing. Perfect, really. His body is toned, but still effeminate, and the dress shows how slim he is, the heels elegant and tall, a good four inches. The dress goes to about mid thigh, like the skirt did.

Kurapika is out of the dressing room in a moment, eager to show Ash and Cassida. This is his favorite yet, and he says so. A bit more embarrassing, as it is a tad sexier than the other two, but he honestly loves it.

Ash hums in contemplation, “You definitely have a preference for elegance,” Kurapika quickly notices his new friend is correct there, “so I can probably remove nearly all the pile and return with one that should be most if not all hits, no misses. I’ll be right back!” Ash picks up what looks to be all but three of the items left and leaves with them.

Cassida grabs his hand, looking at him with pure joy in her eyes. “You look gorgeous, Kura! I’m so glad we decided to do this,” she then tilts her head, giving him a closed-eye smile. “Oh! If it’s okay with you for me to call you Kura…”

He nods, reassuring her he’s fine with the nickname. Ash comes back within moments, a smaller pile in their arms. “Okay! Here’s what I’ve got! Not get back in there, beautiful, and show em’ who’s boss!” Now THAT startles a laugh out of Kurapika, and he heads in. He hears Cassida tease Ash about being a bossy spoiled rich kid on the other side of the door, and then Ash jokingly threaten to buy her house from her, and that she should call them ‘your highness,’ which once again pulls a giggle from Kurapika. Just like Gon and Killua.

The rest is just as perfect. Kurapika ends up with six outfits besides the three he’s already tried. A green dress with poofy shoulders but slim full length sleeves, a sweetheart neckline and knee length. A pleated skirt and a tan skin-fit ruched skirt to both go with a cropped white peasant top. Ash throws in a sun hat with that one and some tawny flat-bottom sandals. A trench coat dress and black pumps. A deep red puffed-sleeve backless ruched dress that Ash informs him is classified as “bodycon” whatever that means. Then, one of his favorites, a dark green mini dress with a corset top, short puffed sleeves and side slits on the skirt part. It goes great with the mary janes and a pair of white gloves Ash adds to it, which are probably his favorite part. They almost remind him of his chains, covering his hands. Comforting. 

So including the other three, nine new outfits, and four pairs of shoes, plus the hat, two pairs of gloves, a black handbag (apparently his side bag is too big for how little he carries around, and okay maybe it is) and a couple different socks, tights, and jewelry Ash throws in.

So it’s a lot.

Kurapika never really spends money, but it will definitely put a dent in his funds. Not much though. But honestly, Kurapika could give less of a fuck. He never in his life realized clothing was supposed to make you feel...  _ good _ , and _ confident _ . It just had never occurred.

While checking out, Ash and Cassida tell him some things. Apparently, feeling dull or even sad in ‘regular’ clothing for ones sex is a symptom of gender dysphoria. And feeling amazing in something else is gender euphoria. And apparently, a lack of gender euphoria and a lot of gender dysphoria can cause depression, even if there isn’t much dysphoria involved. Just the lack of confidence or comfort in the way you look can be damaging.

Huh. Well that explains  _ a lot _ .

Ash actually pays for the shoes, jewelry and other accessories, verbally wrestling Kurapika until he backed down at the impatient glares of the cashier, and giving in with Ash claiming that because they threw in everything extra, the least they could do was help with the cost. And then letting Cassida reassure him it was okay, that in fact, Ash’s parents were business partners with the owner’s of the boutique, so it was benefitting him indirectly. And that Ash had more allowance than they knew what to do with anyway, so it really doesn’t matter. Ash also said they would send him some online links for more casual clothing options.

After a good lunch, a couple more stores just for fun, and some getting to know each other, Kurapika parts with the two energetic teens with two new numbers in his phone and a couple heavy bags.

>==========================<

When they got home, Kurapika barely had enough energy to remove his makeup before crashing. Today was exhausting. He’d put the clothes away tomorrow. He’s still got two and a half weeks of vacation, he can put it off for the next day.

When he wakes up, it’s routine by now to put on mascara and lipgloss, and now blush. He skips the eyeliner and lipstick. He’ll practice some other time with the eyeliner, and the lipstick was a little too much still. He doesn’t plan on leaving the apartment, but that isn't why he wears the makeup anyway. It’s for him.

After responding to Ash and Cassida’s good morning texts in the group chat they made, he spends all morning trying everything on again and sending them pictures. Ash advises him on what jewelry to pair, and other factors of the clothing, how to store it as well. Kurapika has enough hangers in their closet that it’s no problem to hang everything up.

He’s done by noon, so he decides to make lunch. Before that though, he puts his hair up with a crushed-velvet hair tie and clips his bangs back with two of the pearl bead clips Ash had added to his purchases. And wow, that was extremely convenient. Kurapika had never realized how much easier it was to function with his hair back and out of the way. So pretty  _ and _ practical!

Pretty. That word still made him feel giddy.

It’s nice to spend the day in. Hanging out with friends for once was great and all, but Kurapika is an introvert at heart, and he needs to regain his social energy.

Lunch is good, and he catches up on some paperwork while eating. Afterward, he works out for a bit, and then checks the links Ash sent him. After some online shopping for more casual clothing, (high waisted pants, shorts, casual skirts, a couple cute corset tops, and other tops that drew his attention, and a new pair of flats, these ones shiny black instead of matt cloth like the ones he currently ones) Kurapika reads until dinner. After that, it’s meditation until bed. The easy and peaceful day worked to rebalance him, and the next morning he was full of energy.

Just like yesterday, he puts his hair up, this time before he does his makeup. It helps a ton with the eyeliner. Breakfast is simple, and now he isn’t sure what to do. The Kuruta has practically nothing he really NEEDS to do, other than work out, but he usually does that after lunch. So, to take up some time, he decides to do stretches.

During this, he has some good time to think. Think over everything that’s happened in such a short amount of time. And that gives him a good activity to fill the day with, something to help with all the confusion.

Research. Something he is exceedingly good at!

Kurapika spends nearly the whole day on their laptop, putting all efforts into research. They find a lot of good info, some more embarrassing info regarding tucking and such, and for some reason a lot of mentions of Mothers and Haylofts. Note sure what that has to do with his possible-- likely-- gender fluidity, but it's whatever.

In the end, he doesn’t quite want to fully claim a term, so he just settles for genderqueer. It’s basic, covers all the bases. He doesn’t need a specific label anyway.

Kurapika feels he should be more concerned about this. More freaked out and frantic. But likely, the way he grew up, no real parental influence for how his gender was supposed to be, he didn’t have much holding him back. The only self hatred here is the revenge kind!

Thinking about everything, the clothes especially, Kurapika settles on a thought.

_ ‘I am cute as fuck, and I do not take criticism on that.’ _

Maybe it’s just to reassure himself, maybe he doesn’t fully believe it yet, but it’s nice to pretend. Maybe soon he’ll believe it for real.

And every time the blond thinks _ ‘he/they’ _ it brings a little bit of joy and comfort to the moment.

>==========================<

A week or so later, a couple meet-ups with Cassy and Ash wearing his new clothes, and Kurapika is more energized than he’s ever been. He’s now pretty comfortable wearing the clothing out. In fact, today he’s walking to his in-city mailbox to pick up some bills, and he’s wearing a white floral corset top (one that Ash recommended, made for men so the chest is flat and doesn’t stick out strangely) with a black button-front skirt and the sandals. He just has the lip gloss and mascara today, along with a butterfly flip on each side of his bangs to keep them back and a short pearl bead necklace. He also has the new bag, and Ash was right, Kurapika’s phone, wallet and keys fit perfectly, with extra room but not an excessive amount, like his side bag has.

Kurapika is pretty sure Ash is using some sort of fae magic or unknown nen ability, because so far they’ve been spot on with everything.

We unlocks his mailbox and retrieves his bills and such, fitting them into his bag before leaving. Same guy as last time giving him a disturbed look, but Kurapika could care less. He’s never really cared about what others thought, why should he start now?

Speaking of others’ thoughts, what was he gonna do for work, not to mention meeting with Gon, Killua and Leorio?

Guess for work he can probably be fine with his usual attire. It never bothered him much. Plus, it might even help to be perceived as gentle or elegant, especially if he’s bodyguarding at a high class event, which is usually the case. The only coworker he really cares about is Melody anyway, and he knows she won’t mind in the slightest.

Regarding his trio of friends is slightly more difficult. It isn’t a professional environment. He’ll have many an opportunity to dress casually. He said he didn’t care what people think, but these are his friends. They’re important to him.

It makes him uncomfortable to consider but… he might never tell them. Rationally, he knows they _ probably _ won't care. Gon definitely won't, and Killua has a borderline crossdressing older brother, and Kurapika is pretty sure he has a younger sibling who is genderfluid, or at least wears girls clothing. And even if he did find it weird, Kurapika doubts Leorio would give him a problem about it.

But the irrational part of him says they'll think he’s weird. Stop hanging out with him. Maybe even hate him. And that irrational part of his thinking is terrifying. So no. He’ll just wear completely unisex clothing around them, and-

“Uff!”

“Fuck!”

“You idiot, we told you to watch where you’re walking!”

Kurapika lands on the cement, scraping his knees. Whoever he knocked into is still standing, thankfully, only a little off balance. Kurapika pulls his shoulders up, head tilted down in embarrassment. “So sorry!” his voice is a little high with adrenaline, and a tad soft from surprise.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m sorry! I-” the rest of his colliders sentence is unheard by the blond, as his eyes widen with shock and a little bit of fear.

He recognizes that voice. That is 100% Leorio. And that is definitely Killua and Gon a couple feet back.

Kurapika stands up suddenly, refusing the hand Leorio held out to him. He covers his blushing face with his hands, acting out easy embarrassment. “I’m so sorry, please forgive me! I’ll be leaving now!” Kurapika turns to sprint away, but his wrist is caught from behind. He stays looking the other direction, refusing to turn his head back to look at his friend.

“Wait! Your knees are really scraped up, and bleeding! I’m a doctor, stay a minute and I’ll clean them up for you!” Goddamn him and his caring, kind personality!

Kurapika keeps his voice quiet and his body turned away as the grip on his wrist loosens, but stays firm, “uhm, I should really be going, I have, uh, mail, and uh, stuff to do…” the excuses are weak and he knows it.

Leorio pushes onward, “Please, I can’t just let you go like this. There’s gravel in your scrapes and it’s gotta hurt. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this in the street for some reason, whether it be low pain tolerance or anything, a friend of mine has an apartment near here, I’m sure he’d be fine with you coming in for a bit. We were actually on our way there. He doesn’t judge,”

Damn him, damn him, damn him! Why is life like this to him?

The Kurta sighs, letting his head drop a little in defeat. Leorio won’t give up, not until he can confirm this ‘poor girl’ is okay and taken care of. Why does he have to be so nice?

Leorio takes his defeated sigh as what it is, and whoops in victory, glad he could make sure a patient was healthy and good. Kurapika can hear Gon and Killua high five, also too good for this world and just wanting to make sure this rando stranger they ran into was fine. He speaks up a little.

“Fine. But he’s gonna have a hard time letting you in without the keys, losers,” Kurapika reluctantly turns to them, keys dangling from one hand, a disgruntled and peeved look on his face, cheeks on fire, avoiding any and all eye contact.

He can feel the moment Leorio’s grip slackens to nothing, dropping his wrist.

“A-wh-you- uh- i-uhm, Kurap…?”

>==========================<

Gon doesn’t even give it a second thought, running into Kurapika’s arms and hugging him tightly, a joyful “Kurapika!!!” leaving his mouth as he buries himself into his friends being. Then second later after Kurapika returns the hug, legging go and immediately saying, “woah! You look so pretty!”

Which promptly shuts down all of Kurapika’s functions, turning him bright red, mouth closed tight and eyes wide in full throttle embarrassment. Leorio still seems to be spluttering like a dying engine, while Killua seems to ignore his appearance change for now to step up next to Gon to give a casual, “yo,”

It doesn’t stop Kurapika from ruffling his white hair and pulling Killua into a hug as well. Whether he likes it or not, he’s getting a hug! It’s good for kids to get physical contact. Killua shouts an indignant “Hey!” which Kurapika expertly ignores in favor of squeezing him tighter out of spite, and getting Gon to join.

“Nice try, punk, but whether you like it or not, if you’re gonna show up outta nowhere, you’re enduring the consequences!” When Kurapika gives mercy and lets go, Killua has his own shade of pink adorning his cheeks, scoffing in a poor attempt to cover him embarrassment, a pitiful ‘whatever _ mom _ ’ being thrown out. Kurapika has noticed his hellos have been more energetic recently, likely a result of the whole ‘gender euphoria’ thing. He’s been less tense. The Kuruta had definitely changed a lot since they last saw each other. Kurapika pits off his focus on Gon and Killua-

But it’s all just Kurapika trying to distract himself from problem number one. Leorio.

Face bright red, Leorio seems to steady himself just enough to put together a sentence. “h-hEy Kurapika! -ahem- Haha!... This is… lets get those knees checked out!” His voice cracks at the beginning, and he clearly has no clue what to say. Gon looks between the two of them, clearly confused. Poor child, too nice to even realize how weird this is… Killua just looks smug. Makes Kurapika want to ground him.

The bustle of the city around them begins to grow agitated, their prolonged stay in the middle of the walkway causing some nasty glares to be sent their way. And the blood dripping down Kurapika’s legs is getting dangerously close to his sandals, and he’d rather not get them messy. So, the group scuttles off to an area nearby, Kurapika leading the pack. It’s a seating area in front of a fountain, by a park. He sits on a bench, crossing his legs out of habit. Gon and Killua sit next to him, already talking to each other, but clearly eager to talk to him as well. Leorio sets his suitcase on the ground, kneeling next to it and, uh, in front of Kurapika. Kurapika is confused for a second before remembering- right! His knees!

“Uhm, Leorio, could you, uh, stand up for a second?” He’s just wearing regular underwear, but he’d still rather not have Leorio see up his- Kurapika feels his face heat even more- up his skirt when he uncrosses his legs. Leorio looks very confused for a second before watching Kurapika hold the hem of his skirt down with a hand, and then HE turns a deep scarlet, standing up at impressive speeds. It only takes the blond a second to carefully uncross his legs, and Leorio is awkwardly kneeling back down.

“Hey Kurapika!” but of course, it’s Killua who asks first, “not that you don't look good or anything, but why are ya wearing all that? You undercover?” Leorio looks up at Kurapika as he opens up his medical supplies, waiting for the answer. Probably hoping it’s a yes, so he can confirm Kurapika isn’t the weirdo he actually is.

But he couldn’t lie to them. Not the younger two.

“Uhm, no, I’m a-actually on vacation, heh…” it’s clearly strained and nervous, and obvious why. Kurapika is wearing highly feminine clothing, with no excuse.

Of course, Gon is unfazed. “That’s great, Kurapika! We’re glad you took a break for once! Kurapika works really hard, doesn't he, Leorio?” 

Leorio gives Kurapika a shaky smile while opening a gauze pack, and to Kurapika it looks strained and weirded out. To Killua, seeing far more rationally, it looks nervous and flustered. “Y-yeah! Glad you took my advice and gave yourself a break-” which is when Leorio seems to notice the mascara and lipgloss and promptly starts choking on his own tongue.

Kurapika leans forward, “Leorio! Are you alright?” Leorio coughs into his sleeve, clearing his throat, his next words squeaky.

“Are you wearing makeup?...” 

Gon and Killua immediately let out a synchronized, “wait, let me see!” turning Kurapika’s face towards them to see. Which is good, because it means Kurapika doesn’t have to watch Leorio realize his legs are shaved. He feels shaky hands grab his leg from behind the ankle, gently and caringly wiping the blood away with the gauze. Which is a relief all on it’s own. Even if he’s only being gentle because of the doctor in him, Kurapika was worried it would be harsh with surprise and dislike.

Once thoroughly bored with the whole makeup thing, Gon and Killua let him go free to look where he pleases. Kurapika hisses a bit when Hydrogen peroxide is used on his knee, and feels a big hand gently rub at the ball of his ankle to comfort him. The same with the second knee.

Killua asks again, “so yeah, like you avoided the first time, what’s with the skirt? And the shirt. And the… well, everything, really,” Gon just beams beside his friend, clearly not sensing the peculiarity of the situation

Kurapika sighs, blush still ever insistent. “W-well… It’s kind of a long story? Can it maybe wait until we get to my place?” Killua frowns but nods, and Gon seems content to wait. Kurapika thinks about inviting over Ash and Cassy to help, but he probably needs to do this himself. That doesn’t stop him from calling for advice though.

All three sets of eyes are on him as the phone rings, picking up on the second ring. _ “Hello, Kurapika” _

“Uh, hi Ash! Uhm, I was wondering if you could… tell me the thing? About explaining? Those friends I mentioned are here,” Leorio wraps his knees, but is clearly listening. They all are, probably wondering who Ash is.

_ “The thing- oh! That! I'm assuming you need help explaining to you friends? Do you want me to come over and help?” _

“No no, that's okay! You don’t have to come over, just, give me a quick rundown, okay?” He keeps his words vague, unwilling to give himself away yet.

So, while Leorio wraps and secures the other knee, Ash tells him what he should cover and a couple phrases to use to explain things. Kurapika ends the call with a thank you, and no sooner does he put his phone in his bag, is another question.

This time, from Leorio surprisingly.

“Who’s Ash?”

Kurapika answers, “A friend of mine. They helped me work some things out when I was in a tough spot. Them and Casida are both friends of mine. I decided it was about time I had some acquaintances where I live and work.”

“So… is Ash a boy or a girl?” 

Kurapika just laughs.

>==========================<

Once they get to the apartment, the conversation has moved to safer topics. Kurapika’s appearance will be brought up soon though, he told Killua he'd explain when they got to his apartment.

“You guys go to the living room. Put on some TV, I’ll make us food,” Gon and Killua are immediately off, but Leorio lingers. Kurapika closes his eyes and leans against the counter, ready for  _ something _ -

But definitely not ready for big hands to reach around and unclasp his necklace. Kurapika’s eyes shoot open as Leorio also unclips his butterfly clips, his hair all fucked up from the fall. The taller man pushes Kurapika’s bangs back, clipping them out of the way. Probably the most embarrassing of his actions, Leorio kneels again, insisting Kurapika shouldn’t be kneeling or anything with his knees, and removes the blonds sandals for him, putting them by the door. Then he leaves for the living room.

Kurapika almost collapses.

>==========================<

He can feel eyes as his back as he puts his hair up to cook. Soon, it’s multiple sets of eyes. It makes his skin prickle.

Lunch is simple, he just makes eggs and toast for everyone, but Kurapika kind of wishes he decided on something that would take longer. More time to avoid the conversation that’s about to happen.

When he’s done, the chain user puts the plates on the kitchen counter, face set in a neutral expression. This’ll be fine! Yeah! It’s gonna be okay, and if they don’t like him, oh well. He can… maybe deal with it. Kurapika would change for his friends in an instant. He’d stop.

The trio gets up to come over and grab food, Gon and Killua far more energetic about it. Kurapika doesn’t grab food, instead, he heads towards his room. Obviously, everyone notices. Gon asks first, “Huh? Kurapika, aren’t you gonna eat?”

The blond turns to him for a second, “Yes. I just need to do something real quick,” and then he’s heading towards his destination again. As the door shuts behind their friend, Gon and Killua turn to Leorio.

Killua narrows his eyes at the tallest of them, “So you don’t, like, have a problem with that or anything, do ya? Cus I’ve got at least two siblings who would beat your ass if you did,” Gon giggles.

“Yeah! I think Kurapika looks really pretty! And happy! He doesn’t feel as gloomy as he usually does, and he was a lot more energetic earlier!” and now that Killua and Leorio think about it, Kurapika did have a slight change of attitude.

Leorio lowers his voice to a hissed whisper, “Of course I don't have a problem with it! I just don't know what  _ it _ is! For all we know, he _ is _ on a mission but couldn’t tell us when we were outside. I’m not gonna settle on any explanation until Kurapika tells us himself,” his face is reddening by the end, and Killua gives him a smug look. 

It’s all too soon that he has to leave the room. So for a minute, he just stands there. Kurapika is no longer wearing what have become his regular clothes. Instead, he’s wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His makeup is still on, the makeup remover is in the bathroom, but he takes out the hair clips. His necklace was already off, and now it’s sitting on his bedside table with the hair clips.

It isn’t uncomfortable. They’re sweatpants and a shirt, they’re probably more comfortable than what he was wearing before. But that’s physical comfortability. Which has nothing to do with how comfortable he is mentally, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is his friends, and how they feel! He wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable.

Ash told him that was a bad mindset, that their comfort matters more. And honestly, it probably is. But Kurapika doesn’t really care. They’ve lived with uncomfortable their whole life, they can do it again. 

But he just looks dull when he looks in the mirror. He feels dull. At least he still has his Kuruta earring, that never changes. It’s a small comfort. His hair is a bit messy now, but he honestly doesn’t have the energy to re-brush it.

Kurapika finally exits the room, heading to the bathroom, He quickly removes the makeup, Then he heads back towards his friends, ignoring everything to focus on filling his plate with food. The others might be talking, but he can’t hear them. He’s in his own head. On autopilot.

They all sit down in the living room to eat, Gon and Killua sitting on the floor (heh, kids), Leorio and Kurapika on the couch. Kurapika tunes back into the conversation.

Gon is telling some story to Leorio about an adventure he and Killua went on, but is interrupted by the albino himself. “Gon. We can tell stories later, but I really think Kurapika should go first, ne?” Gon just grins and nods, shoveling food into his mouth. Now all eyes are on the blond, and it’s uncomfortable. He almost wants to float off again, or just make up some lie. Tell them it actually was a mission, and that’s it. But he’s never liked lying to his friends, and this is important.

Gon immediately notices the change. Kurapika just seems… tired, now. He doesn’t really get what the big deal is. It’s just clothing! People are so weird.

Kurapika clears his throat, turning so he’s somewhat facing them all. He starts, “Well, uhm… Leorio, you may have heard of this considering you're a doctor, but it isn’t the type of medical you’re learning about, so maybe not. Do any of you know what gender dysphoria is?” All he gets are head shakes, surprisingly. He was sure at least one of them would know something. Seems like he’s gonna have to start from the beginning then.

“Well…” all attention is on him. It’s nerve wracking, “Gender dysphoria is when certain pronouns, appearances, or descriptors of a certain gender cause someone a lot of discomfort. Like, if one day, we all just started calling Killua she, he’d probably get really uncomfortable, right?” Kurapika receives nods from each person, a thoughtful look on Killua’s face as well.

The blond pushes onward, keeping it in simple terms for the younger two. Also Leorio, because he’s smart, but not THAT smart. The thought brings him amusement in this frankly mortifying moment. “For people who suffer gender dysphoria, there is also gender euphoria, where aligning themselves with their gender can make them super happy. Gender dysphoria can make people really sad. It can make them tired and uncomfortable, even anxious and depressed if it’s bad enough.

“I’ll use Ash as an example,” the name peaks their interest, “Ash uses they/them pronouns. IF you were to call Ash he or she, they’d get really irritated or uncomfortable, and it can cause a lot of self hate if done over and over again,” he can tell Gon already gets in, and Killua is starting to get there. Leorio still looks thoroughly confused as to where this is going. Kurapika’s head sags downward.

Welp. Here goes nothing.

“Well, Ash helped me figure out that I have gender dysphoria…” Kurapika keeps his head down, unwillingly to look up yet, “I am most likely genderfluid. He/they are my main pronouns, I guess… she is also okay, but for pronouns I prefer he/they. The main dysphoria regards clothing and descriptors. So while he/they pronouns make me feel comfortable, the way I dress and am described is where all the dysphoria is. The dysphoria solution for they/them is usually being androgynous, which does apply to me, but more on the femminine side of androgynous. Ash presents completely androgynous, as they’re nonbinary. They’re okay with both masculine and feminine descriptors though, and gendered slang doesn’t bother them. It's basically just what makes you feel comfortable… and honestly it makes me feel better, but if it makes you guys uncomfortable, I’m fine stopping-” he continues to rant, trying to push past the embarrassment with words, but Gon would never allow that.

“No way! I want you to be happy, we all do! I don’t really get what the issue is. It’s just clothing, it’s not like you wearing something feminine should bother anybody. It’s none of their business anyway!” Kurapika looks up, smiling softly at Gon and ruffling his hair. He’s a good kid, always will be. 

Killua leans into view as well, “yeah, that sounds like a pretty stupid thing to be bothered about. And if they’re spending all that time worrying about how you look, it seems to me like they have their own issues,” he says, smug look as always. “Plus, my brother Kalluto is genderfluid! He goes by he/her pronouns. And I’m pretty sure Illumi isn’t even aware of what gender even is, it’s kinda hard to tell though,” that causes Gon to laugh, and Leorio to chuckle. Kurapika stiffens a bit.

Finally, it’s Leorio’s turn. “Don’t worry about it, Kurapika! It doesn’t bother any of us. I was just kinda surprised, is all,” and if Kurapika could explain with words the relief that caused him, he would, “If it makes you more comfortable to present this way, that’s fine by me. I mean, technically you’ve been wearing skirts for years, so it really isn’t all that new. These ones just aren't from your clan,” Kurapika doesn’t yet have the confidence to tell them it isn’t just skirts and girly shirts, and that most of his wardrobe consists of dresses that border on fancy. Like Ash said, he has a knack for the elegant. And luckily, no one had brought up what he’s probably most embarrassed about-

“So, you went over pronouns and appearance, but you forgot the whole descriptors part! So, what are you comfortable with? I wanna make sure you don’t get sad if I compliment you. Also, doesn’t that mean what you’re wearing right now makes you really uncomfortable?” Curse Gon and his considerate, precious soul.

Simply avoid the subject! His face flushes when he thinks about the words he likes being described with, things like pretty and beautiful. But if he focuses on the second part, he can avoid the first part.

“Uhm, yeah, kind of… not exactly uncomfortable, I mean, kind of, but mostly just dull… Maybe mentally uncomfortable. They make me feel tired, in a way? Or just lacking energy, I guess. Like I’m in someone else’s body, and it isn't mine,” which is the best way he can manage to describe it. And of course, his wonderful friends get it immediately. Because they’re amazing and he doesn’t deserve them.

Gon frowns. “Well, if it makes you feel bad, why are you wearing them? Go change, silly! Oh, and you forgot to tell us about the descriptors thingy again!” Kurapika chuckles nervously.

“Uh, oh, I did? Heh, whoops… m-masculine descriptors are fine! Yeah… anyway, _berightback!”_

Well that wasn’t suspicious in the slightest.

Kurapika is gone in an instant, and Killua looks unimpressed. “What a shitty liar,” he mumbles. But then he smirks, evil in his eyes. The blond isn’t getting away with a lie like that. They could have at least tried to be convincing.

Kurapika is freaking out. Oh god, this is gonna be so awkward. Would it be weird if he just put back on what he wore earlier? Probably.

Kurapika peeks his head out, shouting down the hall, “Gon! Can you come here for a minute?” He receives an excited ‘sure thing!’ back, and it’s only seconds before Gon is there with him.

Kurapika rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Do you want to help me pick something?” Which receives a very eager nod and a blinding grin. One look into his wardrobe and the boy was like a kid in their parents closet, looking through everything with wonder. Easy solution. Gon would never judge him about this, and likely won’t pick something too high-key. His style is so horrible, he’ll probably pick something so basic, bordering on androgynous-

“This one!”

Kurapika was very wrong. What he was expecting was something like shorts and a floral tank top, and definitely not the green mini-dress he considered his favorite.

Kurapika has yet to wear that anywhere but his apartment, while alone. It was very dressy, and while he loves how elegant it is, he doesn’t go anywhere even vaguely dressy enough to wear it. It would just be weird. “Uhm, Gon… Maybe not that one? I mean, we’re just kinda hanging out, and, I don’t know, doesn’t that seem kind of extra?” Gon just keeps smiling, and nods.

“Yeah! We were actually planning to all go somewhere for dinner, since we haven’t seen each other in so long! We’ll just pick somewhere nice, so it’ll be perfect!” Kurapika reaches down, taking Gon’s hands in his.

“Gon. You’re wonderful, and your choice was great. But I’m not sure I can wear that,” at Gon’s disappointed face, he explains, “I just don't want to make everybody uncomfortable…” the disappointed look disappeared, and Gon lunged forward to hug him.

“You don’t make any of us uncomfortable, and you won’t. Because we like you. And this is also you. Just a you we haven’t had the privilege of seeing yet. Okay? Because no matter how hard you try, we all love you very much, and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of us!” Gon continued to hug him. Kurapika can feel his eyes prickle, but keeps it down. Now isn’t the time for that. Kurapika wraps his arms tighter around the energetic boy, before letting go and stepping back. Gon follows suit.

Kurapika smiles softly, “You never fail, do ya, Gon? Alright. Go to the bathroom across the hall, there's a zipper bag on the counter. Bring it in here, and then tell the others about the idea of going somewhere nice,” just as Gon was about to turn and do as asked, “And Gon? Thank you. So much,”

Gon just grinned, a quick thumbs up before closing the door behind him. In seconds he was back with the makeup bag and then gone again.

And now Kurapika is alone again. But with a goal in mind and some work to do.

>==========================<

It takes a bit, but soon he’s ready. Contacts out first, he won’t be needing them. Eyeliner, mascara, and lips slightly red in the center with lip gloss over them, like he’d done the day he met Ash and Cassida. He skips the blush, assuming he’ll probably be red enough on his own due to embarrassment.

He wears his hair with no clips or anything. The dress Gon picked out, of course, along with white frill socks and the black mary janes. He also opts to wear a pair of wrist length white gloves and a silver chain necklace with an oval locket. The gloves make him feel more secure, like having his chains around his hands. More grounded and safe. Of course, his Kuruta earring stays in. The bandages on their knees stand out, but it's a somewhat charming detail. Adds a little roughness to the overall ellagance of the outfit.

Kurapika looks in the mirror, and feels better. So much better. Compared to earlier, they’re a new person.

Welp. Here goes nothing. 

Kurapika opens the bedroom door, and heads down the hall. Then takes a turn into the living room.

Yep. Definitely didn’t need the blush.

>==========================<

Leorio is pretty sure his soul just left his body. Gone, never to be seen again. Because as red as Kurapika’s face is right now, Leorio’s is redder.

Kurapika looks amazing. And the dress is  _ startlingly _ short. And most of all, Leorio didn’t expect a dress! 

He thought skirts were the extent, and just didn’t expect a dress, much less one like  _ that _ . Not in a bad way, in an absolutely stunning way.

Killua is smirking.

_ Killua looks unimpressed. “What a shitty liar,” he mumbles. But then he smirks, evil in his eyes. The blond isn’t getting away with a lie like that. They could have at least tried to be convincing. _

_ ‘Masc descriptors my ass, they’re such a bad liar,’  _ Killua thinks to himself.

He’s about to wreck this fucking twink. (In the not sexual way, don’t be nasty)

“Woah! You look so pretty, Kurapika!”

Theory proven. Kurapika has steam coming out of his ears. 

“HA! Knew it!” Killua shouted, grinning in victory. 

Gon just tilted his head, “Knew what, Killua?”

Killua stands up, pointing at Killua. “Kurapika lied to us because they were afraid of making us uncomfortable again! And possibly out of embarrassment as well. They said they like masc descriptors but Kurapika actually prefers feminine descriptors, but thought we’d be weirded out,”

Gon whines, “Kuraaaa! What did I say about putting your comfort after others? You’re super pretty! And if you want to hear it, that’s great!”

Leorio looks up, cheeks pink, “yeah, you look really cute in that…”

Kurapika.exe has stopped responding.

_ Leorio, pull yourself together! You’re the pro when it comes to compliments! Now’s the time to prove it! _

The lanky man stands up, grinning, “You’ve never looked better! I’m glad you found what makes you comfortable, pretty boy. Now come on everyone! If we wanna make reservations in time, we’re gonna have to do it soon! It would be a total shame if we didn’t get to go out and show off how gorgeous our friend is!”

KURAPIKA.EXE HAS. STOPPED. RESPONDING.

But then there’s a snort. And then a giggle, and then a full out laugh.

Kurapika grins at them all, face pink, but incredibly happy. “You guys are so stupid! You’re the best… You should be glad I love you all so much. Dorks…”

In the end, gender never mattered. Never has, never will. What mattered was that they all loved each other. And that no matter what, they would accept one another.


End file.
